There is no way to start. So…
I think it’s because of the way I erratically tug at my eyebrow hairs when I get stressed, sometimes I don’t know i’m doing it and people show concern by alarmingly repeating my name until I notice “Char, Char, Char”, amuses me how concerned people seem. If we cuddle, only if I initiate the cuddle obviously, then you can’t breathe on my face, or my neck HARD NO. And I don’t like it when it’s too loud, especially if there’s lots of voices aaaa, or too bright, especially if there are flashing lights, and if you touch my head, it makes me want to SCREAM. Makes me feel sick. Overload. Anyway , I think those were the main things that made her realise I’m ‘on the spectrum’, how nice someone notices enough about you to notice. I of course disagreed. This was back in 2016, my partner at the time was adamant that I was “on the spectrum”.
Getting diagnosed is hard, people don’t know enough about it when it comes to women.
I recommend speaking to a private psychologist, there isn’t one way to be Autistic so make sure you speak to someone who specialises in autism in women specifically. Apparently I’m ‘high functioning’ and at first I(my ego) secretly thought “that sounds fancy”, but then I realised how unkind that way of thinking is. Plus I definitely don’t feel “high” functioning, most of the time it takes a lot to “function” at all. There’s lots of reasons why we don’t use those terms simply ask google and they’ll explain.
I thought only boys had autism and that they’re all obsessed with train time tables and rain man is the God/Leader of them and they can’t make toast but they’re geniuses etc stereotypes and lies, we’re all conditioned and although i’m embarrassed to admit I thought that , I did. ..
I don’t always get why you’re upset, especially if i’m the one who upset you. Intellectually I understand what results in a person having a change in their emotions, but I don’t always know what your facial expressions mean (and that just makes me panic). Well I do, because I’ve studied it, but it’s not as easy for me as it might be for you. Then I say the ‘wrong’ thing, or in the wrong way, or maybe it’s not that it’s wrong, just maybe not the most appropriate. So then when people notice that about you but don’t know you’re autistic , you start to come with a warning, your friends introduce you to their friends with random disclaimers, you hear thing’s like, “oh my friend can be quite ‘direct'” OR my fave so far “a-bit, weird but lovely”. It’s a bit more of a struggle connecting with people knowing they have a preconceived idea of who you might be, and I already find eye contact tricky as it is… aaand now i’m just starring at your third eye, but I doubt you’ve noticed because i’m nodding appropriately, I’ve made a few noises suggesting i’m in agreement with you and every now and again, I look your eyebrow up and down to create the illusion of doing double eye contact (I’m so fancy!). On the plus side before I became unapologetic about the way I am in public spaces, I had a million and one amazing excuses to leave.
But i’m really good and practiced at it now, I know how to behave socially, I know what’s appropriate, I have a huge smile AKA shield, so I know how to pass. I at least know how to make it look like it’s all fine anyway. Sometimes it is, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes every emotion wants to explode out of me. Sometimes I need it to be really quiet and it needs to be really dark or I need to hide for a minute. If I don’t I want to scream, but usually I just cry.
I want to get to the bottom of every thought, I need things to make sense or my mind can’t rest. For the most part that’s easy, just not when it comes to people. I’m not sure if i’m blessed or cursed that i’m so in awe of you all. There’s not many right or wrong answers so it’s pretty illusive and ongoing figuring out why people are so wonderful. Difficult in relationships though, the feelings are more intense and so the thoughts are too, especially if I get a word or phrase looped in my head. Makes it really challenging to be present.
Sometimes I just don’t want anyone around, but at the same time, I don’t want to be lonely. I don’t want to go to all your events. but I still want you to invite me. I worry if iv’e embarrassed the people i’m with or if people know i’m rubbing my crystal to cope with anxiety (and not because I think i’m a guru or woke surprise surprise). And it takes me ages to process, I’m not being rude and it’s not because I don’t care, it just takes me a little longer to get it, let alone respond. That alone used to make me feel so “stupid”, the silence after an important points been made, the blank look on their face and then the inevitable “well?”… I think that has to be one of the most triggering words for me, it’s draped in expectation, and expectation means pressure and pressure means … more silence. Those are my initial thoughts anyway. I guess this is like a diary entry. I wonder if any part of this is relatable to anyone else. I’ll say more at some point that will maybe make more sense.
Just being kind
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